Creative Downtime

There comes a point in everyone's life to say 'fuck you' to the world, retreat and hide from the scorn, the evil, the media, the judgements, the boss that doesn't understand, the friends that try to understand, but can't, and basically the day-to-day reality of this planet.

But is it normal to have this feeling and the urge to disappear on a regular basis? I am in this phase, once again. I blame it on my gypsy blood, although there is no ancestry even closely linked to gypsies. This urge to move, to move locations, to shift my head-space, to shake up my soul, grabs on and takes full control. I don't know where it comes from. The wind? The seasonal change? The moon? Fear?

Ahhh, yes, fear; the greatest motivator of human needs and emotions. But what am I afraid of? Having to punch the clock day in and day out - YES. Afraid of the white picket fence and 2.4 kids - MOST DEFINATELY. Afraid of a routine and mundane life - YES. Afraid of losing independence - YES. Afraid that I will have to conform with what society deems a 'normal life - YES, YES, YES. But how are these fears connected with my wanting to escape?

It is a question I've asked myself time and time again, and still it remains unsolved. Perhaps it is time for me to move on and rediscover myself. Put things into perspective. I tried to do that today, by escaping into my own world and my head by not going to work, but really more questions have come up than answers. The down time did me wonders, but one day is just not enough.

I guess it simply comes down to the fact that there are certain expectations that society has or imposes on people--get a job, get married, have the kids, get a mortgage, work your way up the corporate ladder, be successful, make money to put in RRSPs, retire, take package vacations, turn grey, have grandkids and sooner or later all of this flashes before your eyes and you realize that you have not lived the life you want. I know I don't want to live this above mentioned life, and following this pseudo-dogma would drive me insane. Do I need to escape because I know I don't fit in here; I don't fit and can't conform to what is believed to be 'normal'? I think this is it, this is my answer crafted purely on gut instinct.

So where do I go from here? This is the big question, isn't it? I guess the only way I can answer the big question is with some big thoughts and introspection. One day I might have it, perhaps one day soon.