Signs

Signs...They are all around us, but do we listen? Do we really know when they are happening and what they indicate?

Making a decision to pack up all that I have, renew my passport, and flee the country has been a whirlwind to say the least. The opportunity to leave Canada behind once again came about 3 weeks ago through a brief conversation with a friend of a friend. It was just an idea, a mere possibility, and the thought was intriguing.

And then the beginning of last week was a job interview and boom, suddenly that thought became a very real option. Of course the option is still mine, but I have my heart set on it now. I have decided to go. And once that decision was made and heading to South America was a reality and just not a flight of fancy, I started seeing the signs.

Before any journey in the past, my decision seemed to waver, but then I would see a sign. Before Australia, there was a flock of geese, about 5 metres above the road, flying in a vee, towards my and my front windshield. I knew going to Australia was in the cards.

Before a departure to Japan, it was dragonflies buzzing in front of me while walking down a city road. Laugh if you may, but honestly, have you ever had a flock of geese buzz you? Have you ever had dragonflies surround you in the middle of the city?And so the signs are beginning once again.

About a month ago, walking in the city, a butterfly buzzed me and almost landed on me. Even a passerbyer commented on the oddity. (And this was before I even knew that Colombia was an option).

Once I knew the option was becoming more of a possibility, I opened my eyes...waiting for the dragonflies - usually my sign.

A student of mine walked in with a new bag, took it off her shoulder and set it on the desk, removed some papers and that is when I saw a huge embroidered dragonfly. I could only smile.

Last week, a friend signed into MSN messenger with an image I had never seen before, but it did look Mayan (maybe Incan - not well versed in this area) with the sign in name Cor-do-ba - Cordoba being the district I am heading to, and the name of the car he wants to buy.

Coincidence some may say, I don't.

On Thursday, I opened the Georgia Straight and flipped to the first page. Yep, a photo of a dragonfly.

And this weekend, I enjoyed a great walk in the beauty of Saturday with a beautiful person. As we progressed along the seawall a dragonfly crossed my path. And again, a smugness overcame me.

I know I am supposed to go, I know this is the path I am supposed to be on. And all these little signs seem to reassure me and push me forward.Some may say, it is all a coincidence, others may say it is rubbish. But I don't. I belive in many mysterious things...I believe in magic, I believe in true love, I believe in make-believe and I believe in signs.

English Bay

Well, a new digital camera - old, but new for me - has been purchased, and I am armed and ready to take shots of my neighbourhood.

Out on a test drive last night, I found myself wondering English Bay and snapped off this shot. If you look into the distance, a heron is standing on a rock that was still exposed from low tide.

Keep posted as more pics will be coming up.

Photo Test.

Ahhh, finally, blogger is making it easier to upload photos directly from the computer rather than fighting with blogbot - YIPPPEEEE, HORRAY.

Walls

Off the wall;
Fly on the wall;
Up the wall;
The writing is on the wall;
Climb the walls;
Wall of fog;
Back to the wall;
But between me and you and these 4 walls, I am bloody sick of walls.

Why do we build these walls around ourselves and our emotions? Why do we fortify our hearts? Is it for self-preservation? Is it instinct not to be our true selves for fear of rejection or pain? Is it from past experience of pain and little rips in your heart?

I felt the masons of my heart start erecting a little wall today. It was a little tweek, an indirect tweek but got me thinking and doubting and suddenly I realized I was more exposed than I wanted to be....brick, mortor, brick, mortor....take away the brick, tear it down, no no build it up, build it higher....nah fuck it, take it down....

I want the wall, I want it to create just a bit of a barrier to separate myself, and create a bit of distance, but then I wouldn't be true to myself. I don't want the walls. Full of confusion and contradiction...Which leads me to the next question: are walls a necessary evil? Is it different if we build the walls with concrete as opposed to straw? The big bad wolf was able to huff and puff instead of using a wrecking ball.

Maybe we just need condoms for our heart. Who the hell knows. I certainly don't.

A New Season

I sit here tonight with the moon rising over the city and on the cusp of a new season. Spring is on its way out and summer mere moments away. Another change, another season, another time and another shift.

But it just isn't the world going through a change, for I am on the cusp of some decisions right now. The first day of summer shall bring a job interview with possibilities of heading to South America. If that doesn't materialize, there are other options for going away and even staying. Like reading a good mystery novel, you can only guess or predict the ending, but in some twist you are left reeling and heading in a different direction all together. So who really knows where this change will take me, but something is coming--I can feel it.

There is also a shift happening within. It is a situation where I could let myself fall and become so easily entangled with a beautiful, clever, witty, sexy man...but I am not allowing myself. I've played with this fire once before, and I don't want to be burned again. Besides, there is something in my gut that tugs at me not to get too deep. I don't know why they are there, but it isn't for me to question, but perhaps more to listen.

So, I am listening this time to those doubts and second guesses. I am listening to those tugs and unsettling feelings - the feelings that seem to be so easily shoved aside by the intoxication of it all...but not this time.

If it is mean to be, it will happen - whether in geography or in emotion...the change is coming. I just don't know when, but I do know that when I wake up the seaons will change and with that will bring more.

A Swift Kick in the Ass

Well, here I am and it has been some time since my last post. My little world has shifted slightly with the passing of my grandmother this morning. I was never really that close with her, but it doesn't make the sting any easier.

I sit here now with dampened eyes and a lump in my throat when I think of the opportunities lost. I never really knew this woman. A woman who gave birth to 11 children and pretty much raised them on her own. A woman who lost her husband at a young age. A woman that lived through the depression yet managed to feed and clothe those 11 mouths. The pictures I see of her as a vibrant teen in a canoe with her girlfriends are just that--pictures. She was never forthcoming in telling tales about her past, perhaps that is why I never really asked, but I should have. I realize that now more than anything.

One of the most perfect times I had, yet never seized was when I was 17. I drove my grandmother home from a family gathering and it was just the two of us. My thoughts today had me thinking that if only I wasn't filled with teen angst, it would have been really cool to cruise with her. Go for a drive, go down her memory lane and let her show me the house or the farm where she used to live. But I didn't.

I refuse to be filled with regret - that is just my motto - but I can only wonder what may be if I had taken more opportunity to know her. I will never know the answer, and won't torture myself in expecting it. But if a lifetime comes around again where I have more opportunities to know this woman I call grammie, I'll take them. And if I don't get the opportunity, well, so be it. I have learned my lesson, but must remember to take with me what I have learned from this kick in the ass.

We only part so we can meet again...

Balance

Balance v. to bring into or maintain in a state of equilibrium

Accountants balance books, waiters balance their tray of drinks and food, gymnists balance on the beam, designers and artists consider balance when creating art. Balance the boat, balance your cheque book, balance is all around us. We try to eat a balanced diet, we try to find a balance between work and play, and a variety in our lives, but my question is, what about finding the balance in a person. And no, not talking about the mental stability, but the characteristics.

Now for most of the voyeurs reading my postings, you may know that this author has been playing the dating field with a tenacious spirit void of expectations, but there has been one thing bugging the hell out of me; Where the hell is the balance?

You see, although the men are all different, and all interesting creatures in their own right, I've been finding that not one individual has the right balance that I am looking for.

So to put it simply lets divide these men into 2 categories. From my experience, on one hand you have the "business guys" (for lack of better title). These would be the marketing men, the lawyers, the architects, etc. They are all intelligent, driven, knowledgable in their field and the world around them, respected by colleagues, etc. They can offer intelligent conversation, a quick banter on any topic but seem to lack a spark or passion for life and the oddities of the world.

Then on the other hand, you have what I will call the "artists". The men that fall here are the writers, photographers, designers...the creative type. They are intune with the oddities around them, and have that necessary joie de vie. And while they can also inspire my imagination, they for the most part are aloof, flighty, not so driven, and don't seem to take the world by the balls.

So here I am dancing between these two dating worlds because it seems that I have not met one guy that can reach to each side of these realms. And that is all I want. I want to be able to have an intense conversation about whatever serious issue seems to arise, yet with a quick transition be able to giggle and imagine what a house would look like on the moon.

And that is the conundrum. I wonder if any one person is willing or capable of having both sides of this puzzle? I wonder if seeking this type of balance in a man is reasonable?

After a conversation with a dearest of friend, I figured that the only way it is feasible for me to have this balance is for me to drift between each side. It was said as a joke, perhaps giving myself permission to be able to have several men on the go at one time, but then almost as an afterthought, I realized that the idea wasn't so bad.

Perhaps that is the answer to the conundrum set before me. Or at least the most feasible answer for now. And if that balanced man is around, bring him on!

The Corner

Tucked with the city of Vancouver is a quaint little corner that gives you a slice of the city. It is the corner of Denman and Barclay--close to the beach, close to Robson, in the heart of the west end and on the cusp of the gaybourhood. The corner has become mine, for its sheer entertainment value. Tucked on the side is a cafe where I sit and contemplate, sit and read, do some work on my laptop, and smoke a good chunk of time away.

The outdoor patio at the cafe is usually lined with specatators sipping coffee and absorbing the spring sun, all watching the commotion of the city and its residents. As one fellow coffee-sipping observer noted, "this corner is full of drama, drama in which you are not involved." And I wholeheartedly agree.

So there I was today, at my corner watching the sights, sniffing the smells and hearing the beat of the city. The first thing that caught my attention was the sound of wagon wheels being dragged down the street. Okay, okay, so you hear this sound and think a kid is pulling it along, or an adult at the helm with a kid inside who is too lazy to walk...but as soon as I looked up, my laughter got the best of me and came pouring out of my mouth. More like gaffaws really, but in the plastic fisherprice wagon was an incredibly overweight bull dog being pulled by its master. Definately a different take on going for a walk. I wondered where the owner was going and if the dog ever got out of his chauffer pulled wagon or prefered to cruise and take in the sights.

I sipped more coffee, lit another smoke and continued to watch.

And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the kamikaze blind man. I have seen him before and hence bestowed the name upon him from his previous actions. The man, lets say is full of joie de vie and storms down the streets without a care in the world. It is like he throws caution to the wind, and says, "watch out world, I can't see" and makes his way at top speed down the streets. In my previous sightings, he has clipped street lamps, parking signs, sides of cars crossing the streets and my favourite, although I am sure not his, is when he walked straight into a fire hydrant which was about the same height as his you know what. I muffled my laugh, cause since he is blind, figured his sense of hearing would be much keener. But there he was today crossing the street to my corner, and I sat up straighter cause I knew I would be in for some sick delight. And he didn't let me down.

He crossed the street to the sound of the 'beep beep' walking at a moch-like clip swinging his cane. First was a nicely placed hit to a knee of a Japanese girl, and then right through the legs mid-stride of a man. They got tangled and the man couldn't get away fast enough before the blind guy bumped him again. They stumbled, exchanged some words and then the door to the bank was opened for him. He bumped his way into the bank, and thank god for big windows, I saw him crash into the metal line markers inside the bank. I giggled and waited for him to exit the bank.

He left the bank unscathed and the other pedestrians untouched and he waited at the crosswalk to cross. The light turned and he was off. Across the street were two people pushing their bikes. They were perfectly lined up for the cane to get stuck in the spokes and i waited and watched and the sick side of me hoped. But the cyclist caught sight of the blindman coming and quickly manuevered out the way. Damn. But then there was a couple with their back to the man blocking the sidewalk, and again I waited. Bam, he got them. They turned around, ready to say, I am sure "what the fuck", but once they saw the stick one jumped left and the other scurried right. I could see the couple look at each other in disbelief as he plowed his way through the sidewalk and more people. Of course I giggled the whole time and wondered how on earth someone like him gets by in life. I wondered if he had ever been taught to use his cane properly or if he is self-taught.

Between my laughs, and snickers I took pity on the man, and then it shifted to admiration. I loved the fact that he doesn't give a damn and goes on his merry way. I loved the fact that he just says "screw it" and hits, bumps, and crashes his way through the city and I am sure life. Kudos to you Kamekazi blind man - you rock!