Call it a Feeling

So there I was walking home in the stillness and I stopped to listen and breathe and absorb what was around me. Silence. That is all I heard. Not even a distant car pass by on the slushy street, or the footsteps of another fool walking so late in the night. And as I stood still for that brief moment shuddering in the cold a feeling grew from the pit of my stomach and reached up and wrapped itself around my entire being like a comfortable blanket tucked by the loving hands of a mother. The feeling was one of warmth and tenderness. It may not be the easiest to explain or even the easiest to understand - yes it may seem that I am some pompous smartass, but I am not. Just writing what I feel, simply that. The feeling was one of a near future. A feeling of greatness, a feeling that my destiny awaits me and that soon the answers will be in hand. The rambling here gives no justice to that exact moment in time, the comfort felt and the belief and satisfaction in that feeling. Perhaps subconciously it was me picking myself up. But from what? I haven't really fallen per say, but maybe just a boost for me to realize my full potential. I will confess and admit that I really haven't been living up to my full potential, that I have been slack at achieving my goals. But then again, we all need a bit of a hiatus from ourselves for a bit. Maybe that feeling was a hand helping me along the way or a visit from a spirit that seems to have followed and guided me through countless countries and experiences. A spirit that I really haven't sensed for a while, but has made his entrance in my life once again. I really can't answer what it was or even who it was, but I can only say "it was." I guess in some way it was a reassurring touch that I am on the right path and heading in the right direction. I can't say what that road entails or even in what direction I am headed, but if my feeling is right, I will know soon. Of course I will keep you posted. But until then, read a little piece of astrology that showed up in my email box today...something to think about.... You want to know it all. You'd still be miles ahead of everyone, even if you felt like explaining. Don't bother stopping to pick up what falls through your hands. Something just as good or better is still ahead of you.

2005

A new year and time for a new beginning. A fresh slate if you will - a chance to wipe away the residue in one's life, to brush off the grime of stagnation and have an untarnished start; to begin again. But before you can even begin the housecleaning of your self, you must take an inventory of what you have and what you want.

Although I am already a week into the new year, I figure now is a better time to start the bookkeeping on my personal stock than never at all. So what is it in my life that I have and want to remain?

<><>I have a collection of great friends who I all hold very dear to me, adore and cherish. They are staying for sure. It is so incredibly amazing to be able to call these wonderful and unique people friends. <>

Then there would be the mutt – my black lab stubborn bastard of a dog that no matter how much trouble he causes I cannot stay mad. Besides, he teaches me so much and is a great conversation starter with strangers on the beach or in the city. It is amazing to come home and have this creature so excited and happy to see his human. No matter how bad my day was it suddenly turns with the thumping of the tail the flapped back ears and the wiggle of a bum to and fro. <>

Family – that is a given, isn’t it? My folks have been so great and just in the past 2 years I've really seen how much they do for me. I would be lost without them. <>

A job. Oh, don’t get me started on this one. Yes, I am employed in a profession where I feel like I am sucked dry everyday. Where demanding students just seem to whittle every bit of life out of me and then insist on more. I am at the breaking point. No, I have been at the breaking point for quite some time now and seem to be hanging on by a thread. Why do I stay? Good question, but being pragmatic here - there are bills, rent and other expenses that need to be paid. <>

I really don’t want to get into the physical things, the possessions that I have because they do not tie me down. They can be dropped at the snap of my fingers and I wouldn’t bat an eye if that was the case. But I guess the most important thing of all that I have is myself. Yes, this could sound smug, but really, if we don’t have ourselves then who can we truly count on? <>

So, there is me. The past year has been a bit turbulent, but those rough waters seem to be subsiding and I am getting back on track. Back on track to person I once was. It is startling to recognize the change in yourself when several years of a relationship chipped away at your character, even your soul. But that water is beneath this girl’s bridge; on the bridge where I now stand and look out to the expanse of blue sea on the horizon. <>

The next question is what do I want? It is a big one, isn’t it? I am not expecting some genie to pop out of his lantern and ask me for three wishes, but how fun would that be? “World peace…to feed the starving children…and to rule the world.” (Look out Ms. America; I think you may have some competition for the Q&A segment of your pageant.) <>

Right! Back to the original question. I guess the first thing is to get out of debt and get those demons off my trail and out of my pockets. Get out of the old job and into something new would have to be next. Instead of being so drained at the end of the day, I want to feel alive; I want to know that I have made a difference or had some impact. I guess I just want to leave my mark on this world. Not a grubby grease-stained fingerprint, but a dent that has accumulated to some change. Ahhh, yes, the dreamer comes out. But, “Good plans shape good decisions. That's why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true.” - Lester R. Bittel <>

I wonder if there is a possibility here to kill two birds with one stone. Find a job that fulfills me to the brim where I beam like some radioactive substance and still manage to climb out the deep pit of debt. I don’t wonder…actually I know it is out there, I just haven’t found it yet. Keep searching kid, I remind myself, it will come. <>

Then there is me. I want to take a few courses; even debating on doing the school thing again. And that internal debate will continue for sometime yet. But in the meantime, there is Tai Chi that I want to start up again and do more writing. The list could go on here, but there is one key thing I want. It is a very simple four-letter word with so much complexity – love. It is an odd thing to say, even odder for me to say it, but it is the truth. I have come to a point where I do see that this is one thing that is missing in my life. <>

So there I will leave it…LOVE.